An Imperfect Introduction to Perfectionism
As humans, we inherently value achievement and self-improvement. We find ourselves cheering for the underdog in movies, feeling inspired by training montages, and celebrating positive changes in people's lives. It's only natural that we strive for excellence and aspire to be better versions of ourselves too. That said, the pursuit of success can sometimes lead to a tipping point where our desire for excellence turns against us.
This gives rise to perfectionism, the relentless pursuit of rigid, excessive, and ever-increasing standards. If you are a perfectionist, it’s not the rules themselves that are the problem, but rather the inflexible way in which these rules are held. You engage in black and white thinking, and see only a dichotomy of brilliance or failure. In the moments when you do reach that pinnacle of success, you convince yourself that it was only because the standard was set too low… and so you set the bar higher for the next time. This creates a constant striving for a finish line that is always just out of reach. Your self-worth is dependent upon doing things flawlessly; this is akin to placing all your eggs in one basket, a high-risk position to maintain. If things go smoothly, your self-worth may remain intact. But because you’re human, you will naturally err at some point, and this results in a crumbling of your self-worth.
As a perfectionist, you may also find yourself prone to any of the following:
You find yourself overly focused on the areas of life where you excel. If the Venn diagram of your passions and strengths heavily overlaps, this may not be so bad. However, it’s natural to have interests in areas where you have little innate talent. As a result, you may shy away from pursuing certain interests for fear of perceived failure.
You self-monitor, frequently reviewing situations in your head to ensure you said or did the right thing. Likewise, you closely observe others’ reactions to gauge how well you’re doing. Some level of self-monitoring – such as that during a job interview – is near universal, however, it’s a common-day occurrence for a perfectionist.
You rehearse and meticulously plan ahead. Your Notes app may filled with to-do lists, drafts of scripts for important (or not so important) phone calls, and life goals. These habits can make you appear professional and well-prepared. However, they also create challenges when unexpected situations arise and force you to deviate from the prepared script.
The time spent obsessing, monitoring, and reviewing makes it challenging for you to live in the present moment. Being internally preoccupied in attempt to avoid errors can also create a self-fulfilling prophecy where you are more likely to make errors.
Tasks and activities may feel less like enjoyment and more like chores. There’s also an understandable urge to avoid them, as doing so allows you to avoid the self-critical thoughts that concurrently arise. As a result, you procrastinate.
But what if you were to soften the grip of perfectionism by adding flexibility and self-compassion to the mix? If you find yourself bracing in response to this suggestion, take note: removing rigidity and self-degradation is not synonymous with lowering your standards. Disengaging from your mind’s self-directed diatribe does not make you less accountable, nor does it prevent you from meeting your goals. In fact, the opposite is more likely to be the case - when we treat ourselves with compassion, we may be more likely to reach our goals… and suffer quite a bit less in the process.
